Dear Fairdale Bigfoot,

Sincerely,
Perplexed In Prestonburg

Dear PIP,

Fairdale Bigfoot has never shaved his hand, but there’s no indication either thumb is green underneath the fur. You should probably take this query to a qualified gardener. But, because you wrote, Fairdale Bigfoot will just guess and suggest what’s best for wresting perplexing pests from your infested Prestonburg nest.

Fairdale Bigfoot’s own meager garden was crawling for critters last week, and here is the experimental strategy that seems to be working:

First, Fairdale Bigfoot had squirrels. Squirrels are skittish little rodents, and they were easily scared off by the four giant strobe lights Fairdale Bigfoot installed around the tomatoes. But moles are nearly blind, and they were not affected by the flashing. So to scare the moles off, Fairdale Bigfoot decided to hit them where the live…the ground. Fairdale Bigfoot took his stereo and collection of dance music out to the garden and cranked up the bass full blast. The extra-fine tweeters on the speakers, however, attracted birds. To keep the bluejays, cardinals and crows away, Fairdale Bigfoot glued bits of shiny glass to spheres and hung them up. These “mirrored balls” definitely frighten the birds. But without any birds, the worms were running rampant near the azaleas. So, to take care of the worms, Fairdale Bigfoot sopped the ground with alcohol, which impedes worms’ ability to burrow in straight lines. Without any other animals around, wild deer began infiltrating the garden. Deer hate to step on ground they can’t see, so Fairdale Bigfoot put out some smoke machines around the perimeter of the garden. The fog keeps the deer away. Unfortunately, the fog catches the light from the strobes and attracts moths. To scare off the moths, Fairdale Bigfoot hung glow sticks from the taller plants. Moths’ natural predators are mostly bright orange, so they stay away.

All of these techniques keep the average pests out, but at last glance, it appears that Fairdale Bigfoot’s garden is infested with raving young people.

Best of luck with your own garden.

Sincerely,
Fairdale Bigfoot