Dear Fairdale Bigfoot,
How are things going? I am a returning Louisvillian, and I’m looking for inexpensive ideas for dates in the city. Any advice?
Dear Human,
A very wise columnist once encouraged a cash-strapped romantic to camouflage cheap takeout as a picnic, perhaps in Jefferson Memorial Forest. “Who knows,” this wise writer wrote. “Maybe your favorite cryptozoological oddity qua advice columnist will add an extra romantic touch. What could be a better gift than the dulcet tones of a sasquatch singing a traditional love ballad? Does your potential mate like Journey?”
Can you humans believe that Fairdale Bigfoot gave very similar advice nearly nine months ago? Children conceived out of the passionate throes that column threw young lovers into are just now being born. Bigfoot babies we can call them. Someone turn that into a baby-sized t-shirt or romper. “A sasquatch’s blog post rekindled my parents’ sexual feeling toward each other and all I got was this lousy existence.”
In all honesty, though, try looking for date locations that are out of the way. Trolleys are free this summer, try trolleying around town with a handsome gentleman (or gentlelady) caller on your arm. Make a plan to travel (by foot, bike or bus) along a specific path, and stop wherever you want. Some of Fairdale Bigfoot’s best meals have been from places discovered unexpectedly on a walk. For example, the abandoned cooler on the northeast trail in the forest. Of course, this plan can also backfire, like it did when Fairdale Bigfoot found a lost backpack with a sack lunch inside. Fried baloney (bologna)? Really? And you humans say Fairdale Bigfoot is a monster.
Sincerely,
Fairdale Bigfoot
P.S. If this letter gets any of you in the mood, remember that there is only one ‘e’ in “Fairdale Bigfoot” when you fill out the birth certificate.
June 10, 2010
Fairdale Bigfoot