Fairdale Bigfoot is still deep below Okolona. Send letters and toaster pastries, please.
Dear Fairdale Bigfoot,
I moved to Louisville with my big sister two years ago. She’s a year older than me and we’ve never had any problems sharing an apartment…until now. About six months ago she started dating someone. He’s very nice. In fact, he’s too nice. A few weeks into the relationship, he came over while my sister was at work and asked if I could let him in so he could make a romantic dinner for them. I didn’t have any plans myself, so I let him in and went out to eat, telling him when I would be back.
A couple weeks later, he called me (he asked for my number when he made dinner) and asked if I would be home again to let him in for another dinner surprise. I did, but when he showed up, he asked if I could do him another favor. He wanted me to pick him up at the airport the following week and then drive him to the florist to pick up a bouquet for my sister. I did it, and later on, my sister bragged to me about how nice her boyfriend is and how he does so many great things for her, but she never thanked me for helping!
Now he’s asking me if I can help set something up for their six month anniversary. I don’t want to do any more chores for him. Especially since he doesn’t tell my sister that I’m making all this possible.
What do I do?
Helpful On Hubbards Lane
Dear Helpful,
Kudos to your sister on finding happiness on this cold, lonely rock. If she can cling to someone as we hurtle through the universe, directionless and miserable, then Fairdale Bigfoot is happy for her. But as your sister flies through the everlasting night that is the vacuum of space, the man her arms are wrapped around has a jetpack powered by your sweat, and you are left to careen into the black hole of miserable depression. But hey, it’s not so bad in here.
Metaphors aside, this situation is not sustainable. You are not your sister’s keeper, and you are certainly not your sister’s beau’s chauffeur. Broaching the subject is a touchy matter, though. While you may want to be assertive, doing so could hurt your relationship with your sister or your sister’s relationship with her boyfriend, depending on whose side she takes, presuming she hears about what’s going on.
Going directly to your sister is unfair to her, because it could make her feel guilty for receiving amorous accommodations without sharing gratitude. And her boyfriend may not realize the awkward position he’s putting you in. Fairdale Bigfoot suggests you treat this situation like a squirrel. Sneak up on it…preferably while it is eating a pecan in the shade. Do not wait for it to bury its stash for winter, and do not be intimidated by its puffed-up cheeks and bushy tail. Rather, tell the man that you want him and your sister to be happy, but he has to find his own ride to the florist. Suggest to your sister that since things are getting so serious, she give this man a key to the front door. Do not give a real squirrel a key to your front door, though. Those freeloaders will use any excuse to let themselves in and throw a party.
Now, the real question you should be asking Fairdale Bigfoot is how you can get in on these delicious, home-cooked meals. Fortunately, Fairdale Bigfoot is quite adept at trickery. First, you pretend to be your sister’s boyfriend. Let yourself into the apartment and start making the food. Once it’s almost ready, Fairdale Bigfoot will show up (dressed as your sister of course) and pretend to be surprised by the romantic and succulent gesture. Then, you and Fairdale Bigfoot will sit down for a meal, each still in character. Afterward, we break character and Fairdale Bigfoot flees back to the woods. Don’t try to figure out how this plan really works. See you at seven-thirty. No gluten, please.
Sincerely,
Fairdale Bigfoot
April 22, 2010
Fairdale Bigfoot