Yo, Yo, Yo Hairy Tall Dude!

– Curious in the Hills

Dear Curious,

Hello, young sir. Your language certainly is hip. Fortunately, Fairdale Bigfoot is up with today’s slang. So let’s “rap” about your “query.”

“What is it about a female bigfoot that makes a male bigfoot say, ‘baby, got fur!’??” Well, that comma really “throws Fairdale Bigfoot for a loop.” If perhaps a “male” bigfoot were “buck nude,” or simply, “chilly” on a crisp autumn day, and the only other creature around was an infant with a spare mink coat, then the “male” bigfoot might say, “Baby, got fur? May I please borrow it while I go home for my own coat?”

What is the bigfoot mating ritual? As Fairdale Bigfoot has written, the natural sasquatch courtship process begins with smearing oneself with mud and poking a potential partner in the ribs with a sharp stick. If this hearty jab is welcome and the potential mate is interested, he or she (however a bigfoot swings is cool) will turn and chat with the mud-covered stick holder. At this point, Fairdale Bigfoot likes to flee, then spend the next six to eight weeks fantasizing a life together and talking to his friends about whether they think the jabbed, non-mud-covered she-bigfoot likes him back.

After that, Fairdale Bigfoot likes to analyze every interaction with the female. If a conversation lulls or an awkward smile is not returned, the male sulks for a few days and decides he didn’t really like her anyway. At this point in the courtship process, the female begins a relationship with someone else. The male then feels inadequate and begins a strenuous workout routine. This routine centers on bike rides past the potential mate’s workplace and late-night jogs past the fair lady bigfoot’s nest. If another male’s El Dorado is parked outside of the nest past 10 PM the male typically goes to the nearest bar and has a few drinks. Then he deletes her number from his cell phone because she probably wasn’t going to call anyway. After a few more weeks of sulking, the male bigfoot decides he can’t take it anymore and blasts his boombox outside of her window until she comes to the window and makes that face that looks like she’s too frightened to say anything. Then the rival male comes out of her nest (WHAT WAS HE DOING THERE SO LATE?!) and tells the first male that he’s making a fool of himself and the female has moved on and didn’t even know the first male felt this way. The first male tries to stay on the lawn and explain himself but at this point the neighbors are awake and they want to know why there’s a grown male sasquatch standing outside of a female’s nest dressed as cupid with a large heart painted on his chest-fur. It’s at this point in the mating process that the rival male tells the first male it would be wise to stop making a scene, BUT WHY WOULD HE STOP? HE CLEARLY IS TRYING TO EXPRESS HIMSELF AND IF YOU CAN’T APPRECIATE THAT THEN FAIRDALE BIGFOOT DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU ANY CHARLENE! FAIRDALE BIGFOOT HOPES YOU’RE HAPPY KNOWING THAT ALL OF YOUR OLD FRIENDS CAN’T STAND BEING AROUND YOU AND YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND ANYMORE!

Fairdale Bigfoot isn’t sure what happens after that, but he assumes the female realizes she’d be better off with the first male all along and leaves her boyfriend to take a chance on a new, more satisfying love.

What was your question again?

Sincerely,
Fairdale Bigfoot