Mr. Bigfoot,
My son is obsessed with pumping iron and wants to become a bodybuilder. He’s only 17 and he’s spending two hours a day in the gym. He’s been getting bigger lately, and I thought he might be using steroids. Sure enough, when I went through his sock drawer I found a syringe and a couple of vials of clear liquid. I did some research and found out it was some kind of growth hormone. I am a single mother and his father is out of the picture–I don’t feel like he’s going to take me seriously when I talk to him about this issue.
Mom Against Stupid Steroids
Fairdale Bigfoot sure loves jokes, and it seems like this letter was written in jest. If that isn’t the case and this is a real request for help, please consult your son’s coach and approach your son about performance-enhancing substances. This could be a serious problem.
Now to make light of it…
Dear MASS,
So your offspring had a dream of being a bodybuilder? How proud you must be! Think about the cycle of events: amateur bodybuilding competitions, magazine shoots, professional bodybuilding competitions, sporting events that will be rerun on ESPN 2 on Sunday afternoons, cameos in movies, starring rolls in movies, starring rolls in really bad movies, cameos in sitcoms, political office! Good luck finding shirts that fit.
With your son, Fairdale Bigfoot is reminded of the man who thought he was a chicken. This man clucked around the yard all day making a horrible racket. When they neighbors asked the man’s family why they didn’t take him to a doctor, his father replied, “Well we would, but we need the eggs.”
So your son may see some benefits to shooting up. These performance-enhancing substances are probably making Junior’s little league games more exciting, and his rippling biceps may help you open a stuck jar or two. This may make him feel good, but he could be ignoring the side effects. He will get taller. His voice will turn into a deep growl. He will sprout hair all over his body and his hands and feet will grow to inhuman proportions. He may take to spending more time outside, perhaps in the woods, and he may become overly-sensitive. Perhaps he will be sensitive enough to help other people with their problems, but remain blind to his own. He will become unstable. So unstable that if people keep hunting for him in the woods his mind will go and he’ll start to think that if one more camper leaves a Bud Light Lime bottle in Jefferson Memorial Forest he’ll just FLIP OUT AND TOTALLY LOSE IT ALL OVER EVERYBODY!
But Fairdale Bigfoot doesn’t know what that would be like. It sounds like a miserably lonely experience. It’s not worth the intense popularity and oodles of romantic partners your son will attract, then fail to satisfy with his hormonally-maladjusted body.
So try teaming up with your son’s coach, adviser, doctor or gym-spotter for a mini-intervention. Tell them a career in the physical arts is fine, but everyone is going organic these days. There’s no need to risk with drugs what can be attained through effort.
If that fails, Fairdale Bigfoot is available for motivational speaking gigs.
Sincerely,
Fairdale Bigfoot.
March 11, 2010
Fairdale Bigfoot