I’m really beginning to wondering about all these folks sending, er, um “adult oriented” questions to Fairdale Bigfoot. That’s my way of saying you know, read this column at your risk if you’re prudish like me.
FdBf,
My lady-friend and I have been getting a little more daring in the last few months, and we’ve taken to engaging in… love-based pursuits in a variety of locations. Behind a shopping center (while in the car), in the stairwell at home, in the choir room at church, even in Iroquois Park (we didn’t want to disturb you over there in the Jefferson Memorial). We’ve decided we’d like to branch out, so to speak, and there’s another couple that we both really like, and we’d both really like to get to know better. They’re pretty cool, and we all constantly crack jokes back and forth about adult subject matters, and our individual areas of excellence, as they say. But how should we go about taking that next step with them?
Kentuckian in Krisis
Dear Kentuckian,
Hopefully you weren’t making love in a Toyota, because rapid acceleration and an inability to stop in any circumstance is no good. (Too soon?)
Which shopping center parking lot did you do your deed in? Fairdale Bigfoot doesn’t want to come across your pasty, perverted buttocks the next time snow is in the forecast and he has to buy 12 loaves of bread and a barrel of milk.
And thank you for avoiding Fairdale Bigfoot’s home on your s*x tour of Louisville Metro, but it’s clear that no one will be safe for long from your roving romps. Fairdale Bigfoot finds it hard to believe exhibitionists like you didn’t wait for the choir to leave before consummating in the cathedral.
If the thrill of being caught excites you, then explore by all means, but if taking enough precautions to avoid getting caught kills the mood, you may want to hope the cops, neighbors, grocery shoppers, church choir and snooping kids have open minds, too.
Now, down to your problem with your friends. Fairdale Bigfoot doesn’t know what you mean, so he consulted the woodland creatures. Mr. Whippoorwill says you should go to a key party, but Fairdale Bigfoot doesn’t see why you’d need to fly to Florida for s**.
Ms. Muskrat and her new boyfriend say you’re talking about swinging, and Fairdale Bigfoot is against it. While Fairdale Bigfoot has no problem with kinks and fetishes in general, he does have a problem with yours. Swingsets are meant for children in the park, and making love on them is strictly prohibited. The same goes for the slide, merry go round and any stray inflatable bounce houses you may come across at fairs and carnivals this summer. Why would you even think about such playground hanky panky? Maybe you should ask your friends if they have a similar perversion. It’s nice to see that you can talk so openly about mating rituals with your pals. They sound like a fun couple. Have you tried asking if they would like to have an orgy with you?
Sincerely,
Fairdale Bigfoot
March 4th, 2010 at 9:09 am
The end of this column almost made me spew coffee all over my computer. Sage advice, Mr. Bigfoot.
March 5th, 2010 at 9:21 am
I had the same reaction as Erin, but with Coke Zero on my monitor.
March 5th, 2010 at 10:20 am
I just about died on the last sentence!
Also, why did they spell “Crisis” with a K? Kentuckian in Krisis?
Ooh, I see what you did there, Mr. Kink