A very important message from Fairdale Bigfoot:
Attention Humans:
Perhaps it’s the three bottles of Robitussin talking, but Fairdale Bigfoot does not like this snow. This is weather for Cousin Yeti…or perhaps a wampa. (You know, it’s that badass cave beast from The Empire Strikes Back…the one that took Luke to an ice cave and then lost its arm to some brutal Jedi science.)
For too long Fairdale Bigfoot has fought nature and resisted the urge to hibernate. Your letters must be answered. But Fairdale Bigfoot can no longer stave off cruel Lady Instinct and must sleep for at least a week. The need to cut open the proverbial tauntaun and doze off in its warm entrails is too great.
But before the sleep comes, Fairdale Bigfoot has something to say, and perhaps something to apologize for. Fairdale Bigfoot has decided not to run for mayor of Louisville. Sure, the dreams of power and women and unrestricted access to shelter and food were nice, but there are three reasons a sasquatch will not sit in City Hall.
- Have you seen the slate of candidates? Fairdale Bigfoot got halfway through and had to take a break. There are so many candidates, Fairdale Bigfoot will still be reading this one on the beach in July. Oh, sure, Fairdale Bigfoot will pretend to have already read it when girls ask, and Fairdale Bigfoot will put a much more obscure and impressive dust jacket over it for coffee shop reading, but the ballot will still be underneath.
- Fairdale Bigfoot’s good friend was mayor of Rabbit Hash for two terms and had nothing good to say about governance. Just try to get a progressive zoning standards ordinance passed through the legislature in that town.
- The clerk does not accept twigs and acorns for a filing fee.
Fairdale Bigfoot is available to offer campaign advice to the candidates who remain in the race. The column will return next week, so please keep the questions coming, even if you are one of the 12 Louisvillians not running for mayor.
Sincerely,
Fairdale Bigfoot
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