Dear FdBf,

Olympic Fan

Dear OF,

Take it from Fairdale Bigfoot, you don’t spend your life covered in four inches of fur without learning a thing or two about curling. And you don’t tell jokes like that without finding out the hard truth about flying tomatoes (THAT WAS A SNOWBOARDING REFERENCE!).

But in all seriousness, Fairdale Bigfoot has the grace, poise, and music tastes required to be a professional figure skater. Fairdale Bigfoot’s short program (set to a custom remix of Lady Gaga’s Disco Stick) was a big influence on Johnny Weir. In fact, in one of his first competitions, Mr. Weir wore a sasquatch costume and performed to the bigfoot anthem “Ray of Light.” And come to think of it, Johnny’s choreographer looks familiar. That man is a shaved sasquatch if ever Fairdale Bigfoot has seen one. It’s not such a crazy notion. Just think, have you ever seen him on camera for more than 24 hours straight during a full moon? Suspicious.

While half the coaches and choreographers in figure skating may be waxed bigfoots, it’s unlikely you will ever see an actual sasquatch on the ice. Rigorous Olympic drug testing and a shortage of razors in most mountain cities have kept us away from the competition. Plus, many humans do not understand the subtleties of cryptozoological ice dancing. The only time a bigfoot actually made it to the games was in 1984. He took the bronze in couples with Jill Watson.

Dear Fairdale Bigfoot,

-Schookered in Schnitzelburg

Oh Schookered, Fairdale Bigfoot can only hope the headaches your extortionate armagnac cause in the mornings chip away your inattentiveness and bring you to some sort of revelation. The way you doted on your lovely lady on the 14th should be only a mild exaggeration of your everyday expressions. The perils of St. Valentine are many, but only a fool would think one day of romance can make up for weeks of neglect. Your lovey is not selfish for wanting more, she merely thinks you have turned over a new leaf, and underneath that leaf is a proper partner. (Especially if it’s a fig leaf)

But wait, perhaps there is hope. Tell your love that you don’t think costly cabernet and meticulously-prepared mutton do her justice. Fine cooking is obviously fine, but tell this woman that you can’t go on forever doting in such traditional ways. Give her flowers and propose something amicable for both parties. Suggest that you stop buying gifts and gourmet food and instead save for a vacation or a new purchase for the house that you will both enjoy.

If your beloved does not agree, perhaps you should rethink her motives. An adoring partner is one thing, but a master with a new boy toy is the worst valentine of all.

Sincerely,
Fairdale Bigfoot