OK folks this is your last chance to send in your love and romance questions to Fairdale Bigfoot. The write of the best love and romance question, as judged by Fairdale Bigfoot, will receive a gift package from Highland Coffee suitable for sharing with your beloved.

Dear Fairdale Bigfoot,

Perhaps you can solve a mystery for me, one I’ve heard of many times but never fully understood: Why are so many men in love with ‘57 Chevys?

Not-Chevy Girl

Dear N-CG,

So you want to know why so many men go after Chevy’s? Why they accept a Chevy Chase? In general, Chevy Chases are unadvised, unless they are of the pre-1986 variety. You can enjoy your Chevy with three friends (amigos, if you will), but it’s not advised to take the Chevy on a European Vacation. (Better avoid Vegas, too, but feel free to drive it on Christmas, or a standard vacation) Also, beware of humorous rural driving, because putting a Chevy anywhere near a Funny Farm is inadvisable. Furthermore, you should feel free to take your Chevy to the golf course, but only once. A second visit to the Caddy’s shack is a horrible idea. It is also unwise to display your Chevy late at night. NEVER, EVER DO THIS! CHEVY WILL NOT WORK IN LATE NIGHT.

For the three people who understood that last paragraph, Fairdale Bigfoot is grateful.

Now, to answer your question, the 1957 Chevrolet is collectible for several reasons. To begin with, the 1958 Chevrolet marked a horrible dropoff in quality. Chevrolets after 1958 are heavy metal monsters (kind of like Dio’s Holy Diver. Is Fairdale Bigfoot right, people?!). Furthermore, as any fan of the big block can tell you, the lightweight 1957 and 1955 Chevrolet automobiles can fit the three-hundred-sixty-five horsepower 327s (introduced in 1962) and blow Ford hot rods out of the water. (Though why a Ford is in the water is a whole different question) Pack it up, buddy, it’s gonna shut you down. There’s no joke here, just a bunch of car facts and a few music references. You didn’t know Fairdale Bigfoot was such a gearhead, did you?

Have you also considered the fact that any man you meet is a jerk?

Dear Fairdale Bigfoot,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little more than four years. We met as frustrated youths in college and bonded over our mutual dislike of Valentine’s Day schlock. We’ve never celebrated Valentine’s, and in fact, we’ve never been together on the 14th before. This year we will be, and my girlfriend insists she doesn’t want to celebrate. I don’t want to celebrate either, but a few of my friends say I’m ignoring the fact that my special lady actually wants me to be romantic, but doesn’t want to admit she’s changed her mind since college. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Flummoxed in Fern Creek

Dear Flummoxed,

This letter presents a solution to the problems Fairdale Bigfoot tried to solve last week. Valentine’s is played out. It’s as overdone as the meat many of you readers will eat on the 14th as you try to buy yourselves a renewal on your romances.

Presumably, you and Mrs. Flummoxed believe you have the type of relationship that transcends days of mawkish jubilation. You think your partnership is worthy of more than a single day and that your actions make the bond between you two a fete 24/7/365.

Well, Cassanova, give it some more thought. Perhaps you’ve wrapped yourself up with a feminine replica of Robert Smith. Are you sure you’re keeping the fire burning in Cairo? Maybe you tell her you love her, but this special lady is secretly screaming “Show me, show me, show me!” How can you know if she’s living on Fascination Street? You just have to. If you’re certain, then there’s no need to worry.

And if you are certain, then tell your friends that some people don’t need to fall into holiday traditions to be happy. Maybe they’re secretly jealous. Maybe that or maybe you’ll be single by Presidents’ Day. If so, feel free to swing by Jefferson Memorial Forest for a consolatory drink, perhaps a ‘57 Chevy (vodka, Southern Comfort, pineapple juice).

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with celebrating Valentine’s Day. Do whatever makes you both, happy, readers. Just don’t share the details with Fairdale Bigfoot, who will spend this Valentine’s sobbing over soup for one while the woodland creatures woo each other in disgusting displays of beautiful, natural ardor.

Sincerely,
Fairdale Bigfoot