Send in your love and romance questions for Fairdale Bigfoot! We’re working on a Valentine’s gift for the writer who sends in the best request for love and romance advice from Fairdale Bigfoot!

Dear Fairdale Bigfoot,

Still Crazy After All These Years
Location: The Other Side of the Bridge

Dear Crazy,

Which bridge do you live on the other side of? As Fairdale Bigfoot understands it, you humans are having a bit of trouble putting bridges together. (How was that? Is topical humor hot right now? Hot cha! Fairdale Bigfoot is a regular Tammany Young!) But in all seriousness, how did you clean out that house after the last tenants? Seriously, Fairdale Bigfoot nearly went mad hearing the noise from those old neighbors. It sounded like they were slaughtering billy goats over there. And always with the riddles. Sheesh. Yes, Mr. Neighbor, Fairdale Bigfoot knows what kind of room has no doors. Too bad it isn’t whichever room you’re in.

Now, back to your question. Fairdale Bigfoot always suggests that lovers take their dates to Jefferson Memorial Forest, but no one ever shows up. Rather than take a shot in the dark (not literally, the last writer who did that is currently awaiting trial) Fairdale Bigfoot recommends you do something to show you’re not bored. After 24 years together even the closest of partners can start to grind on each other, pulling one another down a bottomless pit of resentment and bitterness, until every breath one partner draws drives the other a step closer to madness and both hurry themselves into the loving embrace of cruel, cruel death…Now, where were we?

Recreate a seemingly forgettable date. Tell your long-time lover that you so enjoyed eating takeout on the living room floor in 1987 that you wanted to do it again, only this time with classier food and a nice stock of wine. Change things enough so that you’re not pretending to be young lovers. Or if you don’t like being a sentimental schmuck, visit a restaurant you’ve never been to in a part of town you don’t frequent. Shake things up and tell your spouse of two-point-four-decades there are still new things to do together, even though you’ve been together longer than EuroDisney has existed.

It’s important here not to go too far out, because the 25th anniversary is coming up and Fairdale Bigfoot doesn’t want you to write in again in a year asking how to top this year’s celebration.

Mr Bigfoot Sir,

Married to Overly Practical Woman

Dear MtOPW,

You do not want your lover to be the Yeti to your Sasquatch. Trust Fairdale Bigfoot. He may have a Cousin Yeti, but when you get them together, the fur really flies (literally).

Now, with flowers, this romantic ode turns into an office-wide competition on Valentine’s Day, as each subsequent delivery is compared to those prior. But since your lady doesn’t want flowers or candy, this isn’t a predicament you face. In fact, this isn’t close to any predicament you face since the 14th is on a Sunday this year. You’re off the hook (not literally). But you should still do something special. If your very smart wife doesn’t want something impractical, then going out on Valentine’s Day should make her boil over (not literally) with rage. The restaurants will be crowded with awkward teenagers, cliche yuppies and any number of lonely hearts testing the depths of their mid-life crises.

Now don’t go suggesting an “alternative date” the green spaces will be full of picnics and Makeout Hill will be beyond capacity. Instead, just frugally and romantically upgrade your Sunday routine. Fairdale Bigfoot won’t get into specifics here, but anything short of doing the laundry naked should earn you major relationship points.

As for rubbing your wife’s coworkers’ collective face into a big mushy love pie? Well, the smug satisfaction she has for not receiving trite romantic odes should be enough, but while you’re eating sometime, ask her what her favorite kind of food is. Then, have it delivered to her at her office shortly before her regular lunch hour. Amorous superiority tastes nice, but not as nice as handmade tandoori, delivered straight to the break room.

Sincerely,
Fairdale Bigfoot