Fairdale,

Between Bars Valentine
Portland, Oregon

Dear BBV,

Fairdale Bigfoot is sending this message long distance to Portland. A message in a bottle. An answer to the SOS you sent to the world. (Please don’t sue Fairdale Bigfoot, Mr. Sting)*

Scientifically your plan was doomed from the beginning. As time progresses, each gift must get bigger and better to some degree. To maintain maximum relational bliss, the degree of increase must itself increase with each year. Let’s look at the equation…

“n” will represent the degree to which your gift increases in quality. Now, x is the bliss factor, and in fact, you’ll want to cube it, (xxx, if you know what Fairdale Bigfoot is saying). You’ll take the sinful sine of that and divide it by the cosine, because this “gal” is likely the cosigner of whichever loan you take out to afford future gifts. That will have to be added to the degree which your gift must increase, with y representing the year in which the calculation is done. Divide that quality by the previous year’s overall quality (n sub y minus 1).

Now we take the limit of the degree to which your quality will increase as the degree grows increasingly large, approaching infinity.

So, that’s what your relationship looks like. But it can be simplified to a disturbing end…

So if you continue on your current path, you’ll be doing xxx things with someone who is tan in New York. The math does not lie, BBV, look at the path you are on. Soon you will be eating stale popcorn in the Times Square Motel 6 with a human who is more raisin than woman (or man, or sasquatch, Fairdale Bigfoot is incapable of judgement). Fairdale Bigfoot doesn’t know how things work in the Pacific Northwest, but in Fairdale, that is not an ideal retirement. Your only hope is to abandon the material goods for a year. Give your loved one the gift of yourself. Your time. Pledge to spend half a day doing chores around the house and the other half doing working in the boudoir (massages, conversation, dusting the blinds, etc.)

Perhaps you could give this gift of yourself outside of Portland (and New York). Try visiting Jefferson Memorial Forest, where you may hear Fairdale Bigfoot listening to Outlandos d’Amour backward, searching for secret messages*.

Also, buy your loved one a gift card to the App Store.

*Fairdale Bigfoot does not endorse the music of Sting or the Police, except for that all-lute album. Pure rock and roll, that one.

Confidential to Beguiled Chef in Germantown:

Fairdale Bigfoot’s favorite gourd is the sasquatch, of course.

Sincerely,
Fairdale Bigfoot