Hello humans, Fairdale Bigfoot has returned! It was a great holiday break with Cousin Yeti, and Fairdale Bigfoot bought gifts for all of you, but they didn’t make it back. Do you know how hard it is to get by Nepali customs? Try sneaking a drop of duty-free mountain Kaluha past the gate, let alone the myriad treats that were intended for all of you. But nonetheless, Fairdale Bigfoot is back and reinvigorated. Let’s begin.

Dear Fairdale Bigfoot,

Thanks!
Lady Aspiring to Unparalleled Romantic Aptitude

Dear LAURA,

Oh the inequities of human magnanimity! O wonder! How many goodly gifts are there here! How beauteous humans are! O brave new world! That has such people in’t!

Sorry, the mere mention of legitimate theatre sets Fairdale Bigfoot alight with the spirit of the stage.

So it’s a curtain call tchotchke for a male thespian you seek? If the gift is to be given on stage, present the fine sir with a small bouquet of flowers. Perhaps a nosegay, nothing extravagant–keep the baby’s breath off the stage. Bind together a rose or two and add a nontraditional flower. Keep in mind, this gift will either be forgotten in the theatre or left unattended to be trampled and sat on during a night of afterparties.

If the gift is for backstage, a simple card, presented to the usher is entirely appropriate. Write an encouraging note inside wishing fractured femurs all around. The card will be personal and sweet, but not a distraction to unloved cast members who happen by the dressing room.

If the gift is to be presented after the show, perhaps in the receiving line, buy champagne. Brut for your brute, as the saying will one day go.

Now for romance, it’s a different ballgame (not literally, unless you’re Madonna at Yankee Stadium). Fairdale Bigfoot’s courtship rituals include smearing onesself with mud and wailing at the sky until a potential mate delivers a hardy jab to the ribs with a pointed stick. But it’s possible that humans would not like this.

There are a handful of handsome handsel for your hopeful hubby-to-be, and only one of them is a flower. Buy a single, small, durable blossom and cut the stem short. When you meet him, put the plant either on his lapel or in his jacket’s breast pocket. Is he not wearing a jacket with a breast pocket? Then it’s not the appropriate date for a gift.

While you’re mussing about his pectorals placing your petals, you may notice that he lacks a pocket square for his jacket. Bring him one on a future date. If he already has a pocket square, he could use a spare (or two or three). For the practical but unequipped man, hand him a handkerchiefs. A package of quality hankies comes at about the cost of a bouquet and can be distributed one-at-a-time. If you go this route, do not buy all of one color. Purchase some in white or several low-key tones and patterns and hand them out before nonconsecutive dates. If your man doesn’t use a handkerchief, encourage him to carry one. It’s not a snotrag anymore. A handy towelette can be used to wipe sweat off the brow, smudges off glasses, and lipstick off cheeks.

Also consider something with a different kind of bouquet…wine. A dinner-pairing will inspire a home-cooked candlelit meal while an after-dinner bottle will likely lead to an invitation upstairs at the end of the night. With both of these options, remember to pack protection. A good, sturdy helmet will keep you safe from damaging falls after drinking a half bottle of wine.

Now let’s say you’ve gone on a few dates and you’re getting a bit casual. Offer to buy drinks or desert after the date, or announce your intentions to pay when you set up the next date.

But be careful, here. It’s easy to overload on beneficences. Trinkets, no matter what the intention behind them, pile up. Plus, there’s a recession on and gifts should not be a necessity of love, but a gesture of appreciation. And, if the relationship ends, he’s left with a drawer of fashionable accessories while you have nothing but dead flowers. He’ll still use the hankies but you are left to drape yourself in your unused wedding dress–now died black–and lie on the floor, surrounded by wilted florets, weeping. Or it will all work out and you’ll write to Fairdale Bigfoot in a few months asking for wedding tips. Best of luck!

Sincerely,
Fairdale Bigfoot