Hello loyal readers. Fairdale Bigfoot will be out of town next week to visit cousin Yeti and the kids for the holiday. The column will return on the 31st. Keep those questions coming, in the meantime.

How could we seriously get Bigfoot on the Endangered Species list? What is the process for known animals? What is the governing body of the process?

–[name withheld]
Portland, OR
www.bigfootlunchclub.com

A bigfoot lunch club? Count Fairdale Bigfoot in! Lunch is Fairdale Bigfoot’s favorite meal. Well, that or lunch’s kissing cousin, brunch. Fairdale Bigfoot is happy to see a social club formed around sasquatches and mid-day meals. Fairdale Bigfoot is even more pleased to see that your club is thinking of protecting bigfoots instead of clucking your tongues about fur samples, uprooted radish patches and mutilated cows (wasn’t me, honest).

Now, how to get bigfoots on the endangered species list? Well, tighten your monocle and swallow your crumpet, you’re in for a difficult ride. Sasquatches are notoriously shy and blurry (we’ve all starred in a few amateur films we’re not proud of), and are unlikely to appear in public. For a scientist to approve our place on the endangered species list would mean appearing in public and subjecting ourselves to scrutiny.

Plus, the list is under the auspices of too fickle a governance. No sooner would bigfoots have protected status than than the blue dogs would pass an act of Congress to strip it away so Dick Cheney could shoot us in the face.

Plus there’s the reproduction aspect. While most missing links would love nothing more than a peer-reviewed, scientifically-approved horizontal mambo, Fairdale Bigfoot has no interest in getting freaky in a zoo. It’s not the size of the cage that prohibits the shaggy shagging (there’s a musky Ford Pinto in Shively that proves Fairdale Bigfoot right on this one), but the onlookers. Men in safari hats with clipboards, children crying, teenagers throwing peanuts. That’s not Fairdale Bigfoot’s scene.

So, thanks for the help with the protected status, but Fairdale Bigfoot will take his chances with former Vice Presidents for now.

Hello Fairdale Bigfoot,

Hoops Is Everything Nice Ever

Dear Heine,

Fairdale Bigfoot tried college once…comparative literature was the major. There were long nights discussing Proust with cuties in the lounge, all-you-can-eat Wednesdays in the cafeteria, and weeks between showers. Not a bad life. But college wasn’t for Fairdale Bigfoot. Fairdale Bigfoot’s favorite baja hoodie got stolen and the a cappella group kicked him out for refusing to sing Journey, even ironically.

Fairdale Bigfoot dropped out and took a few classes at the community college. He feels good about that, though he hasn’t been able to quit smoking ever since.

As far as your basketball question goes, Fairdale Bigfoot has rebounded from a few setbacks (like college and that breakup with Stacie), and as for guarding three…three what? If it’s three radish patches, you’re better off without Fairdale Bigfoot.

Sincerely,
Fairdale Bigfoot