Fairdale Bigfoot is pleases that he received more questions this week and we’d really like to keep up that trend. Please send questions to fairdalebigfoot@gmail.com
or ask away via Twitter: @fairdalebigfoot.
Dear FDBF,
Are you worried about the hunters? Do you have family in W Va.?
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,570010,00.html?test=latestnews
(Name withheld)
Fairdale Bigfoot is not afraid of human hunters, but pities them. Several attempts have been made to reveal Fairdale Bigfoot’s true identity. Take heed, humans, Fairdale Bigfoot is Fairdale Bigfoot. Further attempts to find a human behind the sasquatch will result in Fairdale Bigfoot’s permanent disappearance from the Internet.
What fun is it to solve a mystery in public? Will the credit you expect to receive from your peers be worth the other consequences? If this were a charade, you hunters and Hercule Poirot wannabes would surely suck all of the fun out if. Fairdale Bigfoot harms no one and simply asks that you do not pry. You will be disappointed to find out Fairdale Bigfoot is real.
Dear Fairdale Bigfoot,
This may have been covered in previous weeks (I confess to have kept up with the past few weeks but not all of the weekly missives) but the first week of November reminds me that there is an election next November; has Fairdale Bigfoot considered running for any local offices?
There is still plenty of time to consider a run for Mayor as a third party candidate (owing to, as I understand it, off-the-party-platform mandates on the GOP and Democratic ticket prohibiting sasquatches running for any party-supported electoral offices)?
Remember, if you won you would be the first Bigfoot ever elected to a high office which would represent an historic vote.
Motivated Voter
Dear MV,
Fairdale Bigfoot understands that humans can be busy, so your need to catch up on the column is forgiven. Fairdale Bigfoot also knows that humans are illogical and incapable of accepting another human’s political success. That is why, legal or not, Fairdale Bigfoot is running for mayor.
The campaign announcement was made on Twitter months ago, but little explanation has been offered.
Fairdale Bigfoot is running as an independent, because no parties represent the sasquatch demographic. First, the Democrats were appealing, but Fairdale Bigfoot does not like donkeys (they taste terrible). Plus, no Democrat has honestly explained whether bigfoots are covered under Pelosicare.
Fairdale Bigfoot then considered the GOP, but with all this talk about tea parties, avowed coffee drinker and introvert Fairdale Bigfoot said “No thanks.”
Of the plethora (okay, two…maybe three) parties calling themselves the Third Party, Fairdale Bigfoot found no solace, only people with guns, marijuana or disturbingly large collections of flags.
So Fairdale Bigfoot is seeking the office of Louisville Mayor as an independent. No party machine can serve a creature that lives in the woods. No platform can support a 500 pound sasquatch. No tent is big enough to cover Jefferson Memorial Forest. A vote for the bigfoot is a vote for the little guy. The bigfoot can trample corruption like so many wine grapes.
Ladies and gentlemen, this fur is clean. Fairdale Bigfoot may avoid humans, but he answers to the masses. Fairdale Bigfoot lives under a rock, but he has heard your voice. The call for a sasquatch mayor echoes through the forest and rings in the trees, hills and spraypaint-covered caves. The sasquatch may be elusive, but the truth is clear. Vote Fairdale Bigfoot in 2010.
Sincerely,
Fairdale Bigfoot
November 05, 2009
Fairdale Bigfoot