Fairdale Bigfoot only received one question this week and is very depressed about it. Please send questions to email@example.com or ask away via Twitter: @fairdalebigfoot.
Dear Fairdale Bigfoot,
I am afraid of sasquatches. How do you recommend I deal with that? Immersion therapy? A forest beerblast/potluck event?
Cautious Human Woman
That may not be the best idea. Fairdale Bigfoot and his ilk have steered clear of many woodland beer blasts and potlucks. This is partially because we know you humans fear us. If we were to join your festivities, you would all flee, leaving us to finish the potato salad, wash the tupperware and return it to civilization. What a chore.
Those humans that seem to crave our company are not the type we wish to associate ourselves with. Covens of Wiccans often gather in Jefferson Memorial Forest to commune with greenwood beasts and spirits (or something), and we’d rather not hang out with that brood. We do stay close, however. We must be vigilant of their leavings. Many sticks of incense and goth candles have come within inches of destroying our home. At least clove cigarettes have been banned. Those things used to stink up the forest for weeks.
Another reason sasquatches avoid human picnics is because human picnics are lame. Now, you may be saying, “Fairdale Bigfoot, I throw a totally rad picnic on Labor Day.” Well, shove-it, white shoes. Fairdale Bigfoot has been to a Labor Day kegger hosted by the possums and Fairdale Bigfoot has been forever ruined on all other parties. Once there was a chipmunk passed out in the punch. Wild. Do humans have that? No. All you have are sun visors, plaid shorts, Maroon 5 CDs and lame beer. Bud Light Lime? Pabst? Give Fairdale Bigfoot a hearty stout or don’t expect an RSVP.
But really, CHW, there is no reason to fear sasquatches. Our critical eye may judge you, but we wish you no malice. And perhaps your fear is not as strong as you think. You, CHW, are the only human to write to Fairdale Bigfoot this week. Tell your human friends (who are undoubtedly deeply, deeply, tragically flawed) to send in their questions.
Have a happy Halloween and look out for Fairdale Bigfoot dressed as Chewbacca. Han will be played by a squirrel in a vest and Luke will be Mark Hamill. (He was desperate.)