Note that some of Fairdale Bigfoot’s first response has been edited by yours truly, the prude. I’ve replaced a few letters with asterisks just so when Googling said terms people don’t show up here and I won’t ever have to explain why I have such phrases on my website. Besides it seems even dirtier when the word isn’t completely spelled out.

Dear Fairdale Bigfoot,

Super, Extra, Cautious Spouse

Dear SECS,

Human reproduction disgusts Fairdale Bigfoot.

What sort of perverted brothel do you live in that the garbage is piling with e***** p**** wrappers and s***** prophylactics? D***** dams be damned, your sensual leavings are a part of your sex life and your sex life is not something your child should stumble upon while trying to pull a few extra pennies from your velour coin-purse. Talk to the youngster about sex in at an appropriate time.

If you are cautious enough to use protection (trying to avoid another allowance-seeker, eh?) you should be cautious enough to keep your spent m****** out of sight. There are plenty of ways to do this. Empty your bedroom wastebasket yourself. That is, if you are are keeping this in the bedroom and not venturing to the veranda or skulking to the playroom for nibbles of forbidden fruit during naptime.

You can also keep a second wastebasket in a private corner of your love nest, next to the chains, whips and swing. Your house is probably like Ice T’s on that one episode of MTV Cribs that left Fairdale Bigfoot vomiting up leopard-print for a week.

Or…and this is groundbreaking…you can wrap your latex, lube and spent AA batteries up in toilet paper before putting them in the trash. Whatever you do, don’t stop using protection.

Dear Fairdale Bigfoot,
 
I dreamed last night I was turned into a toaster and for sale at Sears. But it was more like Target. I was on clearance, and I was purple. What does this mean?
 
R.

Dear R.,

You dreamt you were a toaster? You imagine yourself as a countertop appliance, your price slashed, your display marked with “CLEARANCE” and “NEW LOW PRICE.” You see yourself as an item that is displayed and forgotten. Utilitarian. Plugged in and put to use by people who are in a hurry. Does this describe your life? Are you feeling unappreciated? No one thanks the toaster, but when the carpool leaves in 20 minutes and the hubby didn’t buy milk, look who everyone turns to. You are cursed for a slight error-over-browning the bread, and the fruits of your labor are consumed, crusts discarded, and forgotten several hours later while you are left alone.

Even your financial worth has been slashed. Everyone needs you but nobody wants to give up what you’re actually worth. A durable toaster can last years, but a lifetime of warm, crisp bread on cold mornings barely fetches Andrew Jackson’s portrait anymore.

It’s a sad state of affairs.

But think of it another way. The toaster is one of the few kitchen staples that is largely unchanged. It’s classic. Before the toaster, bread was either eaten soft or browned in a wire holder over a fire or stovetop. You’ve eliminated morning-time dangers and your reward is an iconic spot in American breakfasts. If a character in a movie makes a morning meal, we see the toast pop out of two uniform slots. Toasters are featured in classic scenes in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure and Ghostbusters 2. The toaster is modern, yet it’s become timeless. A space-age convenience for the era of modern innovations.

Advances like four-slice models and devices that can also fry eggs are signs of a gauche or hedonistic kitchen. Nero toasted his bread four pieces at a time. Toaster ovens are confusing. Microwaves are dangerous and can’t make bread crisp. You are an improvement on sliced bread, which is the greatest thing since…well, you know.

Even cartoon commercials for the latest marketing-overloaded cereals feature toast-your contribution-as a key in “This well balanced breakfast.”

Don’t look at your discounted price as a comment on your value. Everyone has a toaster. They last forever. Newlyweds register for you and never trade up to a nicer model. It’s hard to sell a replacement for something that everyone holds on to.

Keep your coils glowing, R. As the kitchen is cluttered with Slap-Chops and George Forman Grills, you are given a sacred place on the counter. Guard your corner well, we’re all headed there in the morning.

Sincerely,
Fairdale Bigfoot

Got a question for Fairdale Bigfoot? Send questions to fairdalebigfoot@gmail.com or ask away via Twitter: @fairdalebigfoot.