The press is chasing Fairdale Bigfoot. Reporters are contacting known accomplices.

Dear Fairdale Bigfoot,

(Name Withheld)

Thank you dear for finally helping break centuries of cross-species insensitivity. You don’t know how often Fairdale Bigfoot has heard someone call yeti “White sasquatches,” in polite company.

Fairdale Bigfoot does not call humans “Pink, tiny bigfoots with less hair and regular sized feet.” Fairdale Bigfoot, however, recognizes all shapes, sizes and flavors or humans. All of us breathe the same air, look at the same stars and get the same funny feelings while listening to Air Supply. We all laugh when children hit their fathers in the groin with toy sports equipment and we collectively cry at the end of Jurassic Park. Wait…we all did cry at the end of Jurassic Park, right? The helicopter leaves and the old man’s dreams are crushed. Oh, c’mon! Are you humans or human-shaped robots?

Perhaps many humans feel sparks of intolerance, but it is the mark of a civilized mind to stamp out such flares, lest we create a wildfire. (Taken literally, this is good camping advice. Only you can prevent forest fires.)

Now, what was your question? Oh, yes.

Forgive Fairdale Bigfoot, for he does not make it to human cinemas very often. Is Sam Raimi the human who made The Sixth Sense? Fairdale Bigfoot is intrigued about the twist ending this yeti film might have. Perhaps the yeti the humans fear turn out to be humans. Perhaps Mel Gibson makes a cameo. Perhaps at the end, the humans realize the only way to fight the Yeti is to use snow, which for some reason the Yeti are all-of-a-sudden killed by after 90 minutes of stilted dialogue.

Wait…Fairdale Bigfoot has it wrong. Sam Raimi made Spider-Man 3, right? Will the Yeti go through an emo phase, culminating in a funny-for-the-wrong-reasons dance sequence in a Tibetan jazz club?

Dear FDBF,

Laughing On-Line

Dear LO-L,

Since Fairdale Bigfoot is never in a hurry, he has no need for abbreviations. But as a highly irritable arbiter of all things proper, Fairdale Bigfoot can offer this advice.

Ditch anything in all capitals. Also, ditch all repeating words. Perhaps the fear that your friends see you as a humorless monster is why you refuse to use “Ha!” on its own. While the internet has expanded casual textual shouts, the exclamation point-when used properly-is not yet an irritating cliché. A hearty ‘Ha,’ typed once and followed by a smart exclamation point comes across as a jaunt holler. Such a lighthearted expression betrays an honest, good-natured laugh and not a suspicious,  rude blurt.

Sincerely,
Fairdale Bigfoot